Saturday, January 10, 2009

How to Change the World

For those of you who know my mother well, you know that she has a great sense of humor and a little bit of spunk. She woke up today to see Maxine, a long time friend at her side, and told her that her husband, Steve, was going to shoot her for spending so much time with her. Maxine assured her this was not the case. Later in the day she woke up and said, "when is all this Jazz going to end. I'm ready to go." Through it all my mother is still my mother. Light hearted and to the point.

There is nothing new to report on Corrine's health. She is still very weak but continues to drink a little liquid throughout the day. Her moments of lucidity are fewer and fewer. She speaks with a soft voice and is at times difficult to understand. The times she is awake, however, are sweet times indeed.

Interestingly, my mother's sickness has demonstrated to me how to truly make a difference in the world.

My mother has been married (and widowed) on two prior occasions. First to my father. Second to Dick Peterson who succumbed to cancer in 1989. Dick was a father to Angela and I, as well as to his own children Jill Najar, Karla Drake, Stephen Peterson, and Martha Gorski. Currently my mother is married to Don Leoni who is father to Eric Leoni and Paula Baccus.

I say this to make a point. Many people feel that to change the world one must have large amounts of money or political influence. I would argue that this is not always true. My mother has made a large impact on 8 separate family trees. This is not insignificant.

Observe how Jesus changed the world. When he died only a limited number of people in a small part of the world knew of his story. Jesus did not raise an army or take on the title of King that was offered to him. He did not write any books or letters that we know of. Jesus did not even advocate for a new religion, just a new way of life. Christianity came after the fact. The way that Jesus changed the world was by living life deeply with a few. In living life together with the disciples for three years the world was changed forever.

Family is the most natural way God intended us to be deeply in relationship with others over the long haul. As family we have the opportunity to influence one another for better or worse. My mother clearly influenced us for the better and, as a result, gave our children (her grandchildren) a better family to grow up in. This blessing will be passed down and expanded upon from generation to generation, and each generation is larger than the one prior. Relational impact scales over time.

Each of us "kids" has made it a point these past few weeks to share with mom how she has dramatically changed our lives for the better. Eight family trees have been influenced for the better. Although pundits may say this is only a small impact, I believe that this is the seed of something big in generations to come.

Let us remember to go deep with few, starting with our family, and then with our neighbor. The world can be changed if we do. It just takes time.

Steve

Pictures Added to Prior Posts

Scroll down to see. - Steve

Strength and Weakness

Corrine slept through the night in relative peace. She would wake up, confused, wondering where she was. Then, with a little help, she would adjust her position and sleep. Corrine sat up this morning to talk with Don and give him a hug. At nine, she struggled to take her pills for pain and nausea. Yesterday, Corrine was excited to eat apples in heaven, and today she added coffee to the menu. When she saw Steve with a mug, she asked for a cup and drank a few sips of black coffee... Corrine always says "I'm sweet enough, I don't need any sugar."

My Morning Reflection

"I didn't think I could do this." I told my mom when we were talking about her care the other day.
"I didn't think you could either." She said with a smile. "But when your faced with adversity you do a lot you think you can't. That's just the way it is. You keep on taking one step at a time. When you are weak, God makes you strong."

Corrine was talking about her own journey, and mine, when she told me that. Coming from her they aren't empty words, Corrine knows what it means to be weak and broken. Corrine was widowed with two children ages 9 months and 2 years. My father died in a helicopter crash while they were living in Germany... after some time with family in Ohio, Corrine moved to Colorado, became a teacher, and took one day at a time.

She fell in love with the man who became my Dad, Dick Peterson... and a few short years later cared for him while he journeyed towards heaven, suffering with pancreatic cancer. She was left, grieving, with two teenage kids, ages fourteen and nearly sixteen.

By her own admission, she was not perfect, none of us are. Corrine needed assurance just a few days ago, that we had forgiven her. Even so, there was no doubt Corrine was strong. She did not become bitter. She did not hide from the pain. She grieved, and asked God why, and was sometimes angry. Corrine searched for Truth and relied on Faith. She saw the hand of God when her friends reached out and prayed, and encouraged her along the way. She lived one day at a time.

Then, Corrine opened her heart to love again and accepted Don Leoni's proposal for marraige. Thirteen years later she is faced with the ultimate weakness as her body fails. She can no longer care for herself, yet she is strong, holding fast to the God who has always been faithful. And she lives one hour at a time...

And Corrine spoke the truth when she told me. "You just keep taking one step at a time. When you are weak, God makes you strong."

-Angela

Friday, January 9, 2009

On Intimacy

Why is it that it often takes tragedy (or suffering) to find intimacy? In the midst of this difficult time, the four of us (Don, Corrine, me, and Angela) had a very special time together this evening. We cared for one another. Shared with my mother the deep love and affection we have for her. And we read scriptures together. I felt as if I was living in the ever so illusive "good 'ole days" before cell phones, blackberrys, televisions and the internet. We lived life together. In the midst of suffering we found comfort.

My mother was very tired today. Fortunately, there was not any pain to speak of. She did, however, spend much of her day in sleep. Mom's moments of lucidity are much fewer now. They are minutes at a time instead of hours at a time. I am thankful that as I write she is sleeping peacefully in the room next door. There is no doubt that her days with us are few.

Before going to bed, she whispered to us that she would like to read parts of the bible together. A few thoughts...

Paul wrote in his letter to the Colossians "For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is."

He later continues "clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

These are thoughts on how faith in Christ can manifest itself in this world. Soon my mother will be absent in body. She will, however, be with us in spirit. Let us continue to be reminded of the most important things in life and pursue everything that is good and perfect.

Turn off the TV. Slow down. Be with each other and pursue, even work for, deeper relationship with one another. Don't wait for tragedy or suffering to experience the fullness of life.

Goodnight.

Steve

Hard Night, Peaceful Day...

Corrine had a hard night. Her body is changing, and it's frightening her a little. Sometimes it's harder for her to breathe. Her chest feels tight even though the oxygen level in her blood blood is normal. Due in part to this anxiety we had a harder time controling her pain.

We called the nurse at around 2:30 am and she stayed on the phone with us for nearly an hour while we did what she suggested. She helped assure us we were giving the right medication at the right time. We gave Corrine doses of oral pain medication as well as medication to relax her and help control nausea.

We also prayed a meditative prayer we've practiced at different times. It repeats "Lord Jesus Christ have Mercy on me." The consistency of a meditative prayer helps relax and calm all of us. We don't have to think of the 'right words' to say. It encourages us to acknowlege our need for God and that He is merciful. Last night it gave us all a small measure of peace.

We ended with the Lords prayer:
Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...
When we reached the end it held even more meaning than before when we said together:
...Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven!

Corrine was able to rest in relative peace the majority of the morning. The nurse paid us a visit and we are well prepared, with oxygen and a new medication to help dry mucus caught in her throat. She is losing some of her ability communicate her needs clearly and she may be slipping into a deeper sleep. We are taking it one step at a time... Trusting the best we can.

I read a journal entry I wrote on a family vacation we took in December of 1997. It read "I found I couldn't solve the world's problems in one sitting, or my own either (although I wouldn't call them problems, but challenges). Anyway, as I was reading and writing I decided on a key verse that I would keep in my pocket the entire trip... literally.

Dueteronomy 31:8
"Know the Lord goes befor you. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged."
I think I'll stick that verse in my pocket once again.
-Angela

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Nothingness

"What have you been thinking about?" Steve asked this evening hoping for some more wisdom.

"Nothing" Corrine said before telling a story.

"I was with a friend about a year ago when she was going through this. I asked her if she felt closer to God, and she said no. Then I asked her what she was thinking, and she said 'nothing.' Now I understand... I'm not far from God, I know He's close, but I'm just not thinking."

I can't tell you just how encouraging that word "nothing" is... There is an internal whispering that tells me I must not have enough faith, or read the bible enough, or pray correctly because much of the time I 'feel nothing' about God.

I know He is present. I know God is giving me strength. I do not doubt, or at least not very often. Even with prayer or reading or talking with discerning people I still have "nothing." Yet I'm not empty... how can it all be true at once, this "nothingness" and Godliness?

When I found out my mother had cancer I cried. I prayed. I meditated. I read an entire fantasy novel, and watched no less than 8 full hours of television. All in three days... not to mention the days that followed.

What would Mother Theresa be doing? Or Billy Graham? Or my pastor? Would they have some amazing words to live by? Could they all get along? Would God be closer to them than I? Am I doing something wrong? I don't think so... and this is my confirmation: I know Corrine is a couragous and faithful follower of Jesus Christ and she told us that, right then, she felt "nothing."

Corrine slept most of the day with no major changes in her health status. However, the nurses still say she could go quickly. You just never know, we are not in control.

-Angela

Collecting Pictures

Corrine slept through the night without needing any additional medications. She woke this morning wanting to sit up and go to the bathroom, and she did. Her bowels worked well with only a little help, so she is not constipated. Corrine is very pale and tired, but still has her thankful and caring attitude. The nurse is not going to come today since we have been able to keep her relatively comfortable. Yesterday, the nurse gave us additional medications that we can administer as a suppository to help to control fever, pain, and nuasea. We are prepared for changes in her condition and always have a nurse on call...

Now for the fun stuff...

We are looking for pictures... Corrine the adventurer, mother, friend, creator, child, sister, aunt... you name it, we want it... from all stages of her life...

We want her grandchildren to know what a dynamic life thier grandma led. Corrine was not a photographer and we do not have a lot of pictures of her adventures until Don, who is talented. Maybe you have some pictures we could use...

How to get them to us:

1. Scan the picture to make the picture available electronically.
2. E-mail the pictures to Corrinesfamily@gmail.com
3. Write an explanation: date or general time period, event, and people who are in the picture

Alternately (if technology is not your way):

1. Send us the pictures or negatives (along with a self addressed return envelope if you want them back) and we will take care of getting the pictures digital.

We are having so much fun sharing memories with one another and learning more about Corrine's past. Thanks for looking!

-Corrines' family

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Another Day of Waiting

Corrines body is changing. Blood is running in her urine. She is feeling nausea once again. It is getting hard for Corrine to find a comfortable position. She slept fitfully most of the day. We are out of control... and that is uncomfortable.

Tensions are running high. We can't perfectly communicate. Misunderstandings happen. We are tired, searching for the peace my mother has. Trying to do what's best and finding every answer flawed...

I have been the cause of hurt. I have needed to be forgiven. I have been imperfect, even with the best of intentions... and I am swimming in a sea of grace. I am secure in the love of God and family and friends.

Grace is so uncommon... yet in this place we are practicing what it means to be grace-filled. Feeling how much freedom is gained from forgiveness. And how to accept the imperfect love of another and serve each other the best we can.

Your love and prayers are felt and appreciated.
-Angela

On Healing

Yesterday was much of the same. My mother rested much of the day. She continues to be very gracious and kind throughout this process. Truthfully, I don't have anything new to write about her physical condition. She is not in pain. She is drinking water but not eating. The only medical apparatus at her bedside is a catheter. She is comfortable, for which we are thankful.

I talked with my mother yesterday about life. As some of you know, hers has not been easy. She has endured a remarkable amount of loss and pain. Many in a similar position would have become bitter and angry throughout the process. But my mother has not.

She reminded me of her favorite verse in the bible. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." She continued by sharing that "even in this process I see this to be true. Just look at the healing that has happened."

True, my mother has not been physically healed as of today, but God has an eternal view of the soul. The only things that are of eternal value here on earth are our relationships. They are the only thing to my knowledge that we can enjoy in this life and the life to come. First with God. Then with people. We are all mortal. We all have endured much. We all have hurts and pains that shape who we are. To the extent we can be healed of these hurts is to the extent we can be freed to live life more fully. Real or imagined, most of these hurts are "caused" by God or people.

Can we pray for healing. Not just of the body, but of the spirit and soul as well.

Please know my mother has experienced healing in her own life through this process and also observed it in others. This is continuing affirmation of my mother's life verse that all things work together for the good.

One last thought on death. Most of us, myself included, are afraid of the process. My mother shared, in only the way she can, that "people have lied to her, it hasn't been that bad, in fact it's been kind of pleasant." Let's embrace the truth that there is nothing to fear and pray that this continues to be my mother's experience.

Until next time...

Steve

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

One More Day

I'm not sure if your familiar with the song One More Day but it's chorus is; "What I'm wishing for is one more day with you!"
I feel conflicted because I want one more day. I just want to sit in the same room with Corrine and know she's breathing the same air. I want to hear her laugh one more time. I want the assurance that I my heart will heal. I want another day. Yet,
I want Corrine's suffering to end. I want her thirst quenched. I want her to be whole again.

Corrines at peace, she knows its time. Corrine has said all she's needed to give comfort, wisdom, and peace. God has continued to use her strength and courage to encourage us on our faith journey. Corrine is ready to go.

I remember 20 years ago. I was sitting beside my father's bed, listening to him breathe, clenching my teeth, and holding back tears. It was a very similar situation. I remember when dad took his last labored breath. As I ran from the room I heard my mom cry "Praise the Lord!" Over and over she repeated His praise, even through her tears. I didn't understand. I couldn't agree. I couldn't see God's hand.

But, I've witnessed God heal a broken heart. I trust God has a plan. I've seen God's grace. I know I'm not alone. I've had Corrine to show me how to live and how to pray, so even as I hope for one more day... I will join her when she cries "Praise the Lord!" and meets the heavenly host.

-Angela

Corrine was weaker today, spending all of her energy in morning conversation. Her pain is under control and Corrine is resting easy in God's hand. We are waiting, trusting in His time.

Corrine's Happy Birthday




Corrine reached her 68th birthday yesterday and through her pain found much to celebrate. She rehashed memories with old friends and family and her laughter filled the room once again. Corrine held her hands to her head, caressing her hair and smiling like a model when I teased her about having a bad hair day.

As for me, my brother took the brunt of my difficult morning. Lack of sleep and constant juggling had put me over the edge, so I spent the afternoon on 'cake therapy.' Corrine is very creative and over the years has used that gift to bless many people. Every birthday Mom used to lovingly create cakes for us. When we were old enough, she would lets us 'help.' We would gladly lick the beaters and carefully place candy.
Corrine is a great teacher, patient, kind, and encouraging. When I was about 13 my mom and sister Karla helped me to bake a cake for my dad. There was a figurine standing at the edge of a lake, fishing. Yesterday, I baked a cake for my mother. It was a 'train cake' with nine seprate cars. As I crafted doors from fruit roll-ups, and cargo from candy I thought about how much love a bit of frosting can hold.
The grand-kids enthusiastically made candy mountains for the train to go around. They licked their fingers as they plunged gummy worms in snow made of marsh-mellows. Joy abounded when they presented grandma with her cake and she praised their works of art and mine. Pictures were taken with genuine smiles as the candles were blown out.
My mom has always been generous with her compliments. Even now, as Corrine lays, unable to rise from her bed with out being held, she is doling out praise and love. Through her encouraging words, I am gaining confidence. God has given each of us unique gifts and we often only see them reflected in anothers eyes.

Corrine had a good nights sleep, resting well without any extra pain medication. She woke up this morning with her usual question "Why is this taking so long?"
She paused before adding, "It's all very small, minute, when you compare it to all the good."
"What is?" I asked.
"Suffering" she said, her hands forming quotation marks. "is just for a minute, but God is good, He gives us so many good things."
I agree. After all, He gave us Corrine!

Corrine is resting well and we have a lot to celebrate! Her pain is being managed and she has not needed any oxygen. Corrine is now used to the cathater so it doesn't bother her any more. Miraculously, swallowing has become easier and she can drink with out nearly the pain in her throat. When Corrine asked about the nurse today she said with a smile, "I'd like to get clean, but I don't want a car wash!" She thought for a moment "Not a car wash, you know what I mean."

Don and Corrine's 13th wedding anniversary is today. Corrine is blessed to have a husband like Don to care for her. Don, too is an inspiration to us as he walks with Corrine couragously, even with a broken heart.

- Angela

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Saying Goodbye

Today was an emotional day. It is the best of times. It is the worst of times. The moments I have had with my mother these past few weeks have been some of the best of my life. But it is so difficult to say goodbye. Short of Divine intervention there will be a day very soon where my mom is no longer responsive to words. Soon after that she will pass on to be with Jesus.

Today was a day of potential goodbyes.

A very dear and special relative of my mother stopped by this morning. Circumstances were taking her away from my mother for a few days and she wanted to make sure she said goodbye. The exchange between these two women was precious. After a lifetime of memories together they made a plan to see each other in heaven. My mom's relative told my mother to expect her in heaven, she believes in Jesus. My mother responded by encouraging her to pursue two things in the years ahead. (1) Read about Jesus in the bible. Get to know Him. And (2) Find a little group of women to meet with often to find encouragement and support in life and in Jesus.

These are words to live by and are consistent with my mother's way of living.

My mother also said goodbye to my eldest daughter, Camille, today. Camille turns 4 on January 12th. They might see each other tomorrow, but we just don't know. My oldest daughter has a very special connection with her grandmother. They love to play together. Hide and seek. Coloring. Reading stories. Talking. All are things that they take great joy in when together. My mom has been an amazing grandmother to both of my girls. I am thankful for their relationship.

Before getting time with Camille my mother told me that being a grandmother is one of the greatest highlights of her life. "There is nothing quite like your first grandchild, there is just something special about it."

Camille, like her grandmother, has a very tender and caring heart. She crawled up on her grandmother's lap today, gave her a big hug and handed her a torn and ragged blanket, her most prized possession on earth. She gave it to her Grandmother to sleep with and to be comforted by. Needless to say, my mother burst into tears and, with a smile, told my daughter that sometimes you can make someone so happy that they can do nothing but cry. They hugged each other and after pictures, and time with Anna, Camille asked if she could help grandma go back to sleep by laying down with her. This she did. I love children. They are so genuine and without pretense.

Many of us have been preconditioned to hide our emotions or to have a stiff upper lip. The exchange today between my mother's relative and with Camille reminded me, once again, that the most valuable things in life are invisible. They are rooted in the relationships that we have with one another. There is no greater joy (or pain) that can be felt that when in relationship with another. Death brings both of these feelings in spades.

Thanks to all of you for loving my mother through the years. You have helped make her a very rich person indeed.

Steve

It's hard to follow up such a beautiful expression of Corrines day and the truth written in Steve's words with the practical aspect of Corrine's physical death. There is sometimes shame in having to be reliant on someone else to care for you and being physically unwell. Often someone's health is talked about in vague terms. I am trying to be sensitive, but I also want to be completly honest.

Corrine has not been eating for quite some time and is only drinking approximately 1.5 cups/ day. Her body is in the process of shutting down and dehydration is a natural part of the process. Today Corrine decided on a cathater to help eliminate the possibility of accidents. It also has the added bonus that she won't be forced out of bed. Corrine is getting used to it, but still finds it a nousance. Corrine's breathing will continue to become slower and may become labored. We will be prepared to give her oxygen starting tomorrow if it will help her to be more comfortable.

-Angela

Dreams of Heaven

Corrine had a good day yesterday. Pain free, and peaceful. It is amazing how each of us are experiencing some of our last moments with Corrine in very different ways. God's grace is shining thru as we sit, care, read, and pray with her.

Last night, Corrine was having glimpses of Heaven. Corrine must have been seeing the feast prepared just for her when she woke up and asked for a hamburger. I think they must be preparing a BBQ. Corrine always enjoyed a good western BBQ with red paisly napkins. I wonder who will be gathered at the table?

This morning, Corrine was contemplative as we gathered around her bed. First Corrine assured us "It's not that hard. " "What do you mean?" we asked. "Dying" Corrine said with a pause, as if gathering strength to continue. "I thought it would be much harder. It's not painful, I'm not afraid."

Breathing slow and deeply, Corrine continued with tears in her eyes. "Am I being mean? I don't want to be mean" And we assured her, truthfully, that she was being a great patient. Corrine has been a gift to us through this process.

Corrine then took the time to address each of us, Steve, Don, Rod and I individually.

God is Good, there is nothing to fear. God is taking care of us and giving Corrine the courage to continue on her journey peacefully!

We look forward to seeing how the day unfolds...

- Angela