Nothingness

"What have you been thinking about?" Steve asked this evening hoping for some more wisdom.

"Nothing" Corrine said before telling a story.

"I was with a friend about a year ago when she was going through this. I asked her if she felt closer to God, and she said no. Then I asked her what she was thinking, and she said 'nothing.' Now I understand... I'm not far from God, I know He's close, but I'm just not thinking."

I can't tell you just how encouraging that word "nothing" is... There is an internal whispering that tells me I must not have enough faith, or read the bible enough, or pray correctly because much of the time I 'feel nothing' about God.

I know He is present. I know God is giving me strength. I do not doubt, or at least not very often. Even with prayer or reading or talking with discerning people I still have "nothing." Yet I'm not empty... how can it all be true at once, this "nothingness" and Godliness?

When I found out my mother had cancer I cried. I prayed. I meditated. I read an entire fantasy novel, and watched no less than 8 full hours of television. All in three days... not to mention the days that followed.

What would Mother Theresa be doing? Or Billy Graham? Or my pastor? Would they have some amazing words to live by? Could they all get along? Would God be closer to them than I? Am I doing something wrong? I don't think so... and this is my confirmation: I know Corrine is a couragous and faithful follower of Jesus Christ and she told us that, right then, she felt "nothing."

Corrine slept most of the day with no major changes in her health status. However, the nurses still say she could go quickly. You just never know, we are not in control.

-Angela