Silence

I have been silent the last few days and have not to written. I feel so conflicted... the decision to move Corrine was not an easy one for me. It felt like a defeat. It is hard because I feel I let her down, yet I am relieved. I want to be with her, yet I am thankful I no longer have to be. I feel I have evaded responsibility and failed as a daughter and as a friend.

That's the thing about feelings. So many can be felt at once, peace and chaos can walk hand in hand. Our feelings create the allusion of truth, but feelings are not always the best measuring system. I know we made the right decision. Corrine is getting the best possible care, and we were given freedom... Sometimes freedom is hard to handle.

I see how this time with Corrine has weaved us with others in unexpected and beautiful ways. But I also know, out of necessity, there are paths I walk alone. I've said it many times, I'm not only losing my mother, I'm losing my best friend. Everyone who loves Corrine is losing some one just a little different. She had so many names and played so many roles; mother, sister, aunt, teacher, mentor, and friend.

I'm trying to appreciate this silence within me... where I don't have to 'be' anyone... and no one is expecting anything. A silence that means acceptance with out needing understanding.

I wait alone, embraced by the love of others, listening to the strong quiet voice of God who says "Fear not..."

-Angela