Near the End

Corrine is hard to recognize. She looks like everyone does when they are near the end: mouth open, eyes nearly shut, skin drawn tight across her bones. The only thing that distinguishes her from others is her crown of fine gray hair and her recognizable nose.

She is breathing with short, shallow breathes, mucus building in her lungs with no way to escape. Her pulse is over 110 bpm and blood pressure is low. Her skin is becoming mottled, which is a sign her body's energy is being preserved for her vital organs. There is no doubt, Corrine is near the end.

I am praying that death would come quickly. I wish it were just so Corrine's wouldn't have to endure any more pain, but it is more than that... I want to quit suffering too. It is hard to just 'be' with her, even though every moment is a gift. It is difficult to witness the decay of someone you love so deeply. It is hard to be able to do nothing at all.

The selfish truth is, I want Corrine's life to end so that we both can beginning living again. We both want to 'go home.' Her to heaven, and me... I just want to go home and ride, and remember, and forget. And feel the rain on my face instead of tears.

I've overcome my fear of my mom's death. Soon I have to face my fear of living without her.

-Angela